Freelancing when nothing feels like it matters

Hi friend,

I’ve been staring at this blank page for a while now, wondering what to write. Usually, I’d try to be cheerful and encouraging in these newsletters, but today I just can’t.

My sister loves great white sharks Photo by Gerald Schömbs on Unsplash

You see, my sister has been diagnosed with terminal leukemia. That sentence alone feels impossible to write, but it’s my reality. For the past week, my brain has been struggling to make sense of something that feels incredibly senseless.

This is her second time with leukemia, so while it’s a shock, it’s not a surprise. I was supposed to give her stem cells for a transplant last week, but the procedure was cancelled at literally the last minute (I had already received one of my pre-transplant injections and been told that there was no way the procedure would be cancelled after that injection, and yet here we are). Rather than getting a stem cell transplant, she was told her leukemia is very aggressive and she has around a year to live.

In moments like these, freelancing—or even writing—feels so small compared to everything else. It’s hard to focus on deadlines, proposals, or client work when the weight of grief and helplessness settles in. When every time your brain gets a moment of quiet, you start crying and feel like you won’t ever stop. When clients demanding revisions on a document so extra commas can be added in just. feels. so. trivial.

“People are dying and you want to argue about a serial comma?” I want to angrily type to them (but I don’t because I also understand I’ll need clients when all this is done).

Freelancing isn’t just about making a living—it’s about creating a life that has meaning for you, even in the hard times. It’s about creating a business that works for you, and that can be flexible when you need it to be. Some days, we’ll feel motivated and productive. On other days, showing up might mean simply scribbling a few words or sending one email while we try to read our words through tears. Both are enough.

Generally, I’m an advocate for showing up for your business, working even when it’s tough, and finding a way to push through when you don’t feel like it. But there are extreme times when you have to show up for yourself before anything else. And that’s where I’m at right now.

Sometimes you have to take a step back, only do the activities that are absolutely necessary, and tell yourself that in a while (a day? a week? a month? I honestly don’t know when) you’ll be able to get back to it. But not today. Because today feels impossible.

Instead, you’ll give yourself grace, shorten (or eliminate) your work days, find the things that bring you a small measure of joy, and let yourself feel what you need to feel.

If you’re struggling to work, to create, or even to get through the day, you’re not alone. If one of us is going through it, others have, too. And there’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

I don’t have an uplifting way to end this email. I just wanted to show up honestly and say that it’s okay to not feel okay. Whether you’re having a tough week, struggling with something personal, or simply feeling lost, know that I’m with you. We’ll get through it, at some point.

If you feel so inclined, here’s something I wrote in 2023 about grief and writing.

Take care of yourselves,
Heidi