Let’s rethink networking

Because we're not in high school anymore

Let me take you way back to the start of my freelance business. It was about 17 years ago; I had just graduated from my writing program and was eager to start my career. In my enthusiasm, I signed up for every networking event I could find.

One such event was hosted by a local public relations association.

Photo by Zoë Reeve on Unsplash

I took the bus downtown, walked into a big hall full of impossibly well-dressed people who all seemed to know each other—and instantly felt like an outsider. I lingered near the edge of the room until a young woman approached me. We chatted for a bit, and eventually the conversation turned to how much we both hated networking events.

“How do you even decide who to talk to?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s easy,” she said. “I just find the most nervous-looking person in the room and go talk to them.”

Gentle reader, I left the event approximately one nanosecond later. I went home, drowned my humiliation in chocolate and didn’t go to another networking event for a long time.

Entering a networking event can feel like walking into a high school cafeteria. You’re just hoping to find a place to sit that doesn’t make you feel like an elephant trying to fit in with a group of gazelles.

Of course, the more nervous you are, the more you stand out. But the more you tell yourself not to be nervous…well, you know how it goes.

Having been in business a long time (and let’s be clear, I still don’t love networking events), I now realize that young Heidi made a few classic mistakes. So in the spirit of saving you some trouble here’s what I did wrong, and what you can do differently.

Mistake #1: I went to every event I could find

Because I was new and eager, I signed up for everything. But many of the events had little to do with the kind of work I wanted to do. Sure, public relations involves some writing, but it’s not the kind of writing I’m particularly good at. I wasn’t interested in public relations, so I had nothing to contribute to the conversations, I simply went to the events hoping to meet more people and maybe learn something.

The problem is that going to too many events too quickly burned me out. Going to events where I had nothing to contribute to conversations made me feel like an outsider, which made me even more nervous at subsequent events. It was a terrible cycle.

What to do instead:
Be selective. Your time and energy are limited, so use them wisely. Prioritize events such as:

• Ones hosted by professional associations in your niche.

• Industry events related to the field you want to work in (e.g., if you want to work in finance, go to events where financial professionals gather—even if you're the only writer there).

• Professional development events in areas you want to develop your skills.

• Local chamber of commerce events only if your target clients are local business owners (a well-meaning friend suggested I go to all my local chamber events, so I did for a few years before I realized they weren’t the clients I was seeking).

Networking doesn’t work when you’re exhausted and out of place. Choose events where you’re most likely to feel engaged and find alignment. If you’re unlikely to find your ideal clients there or people who can help your professional development, it’s probably not worth it.

Mistake #2: I treated every event like a high-stakes sales pitch

I was desperate for clients, so I approached every event as if it were my one shot to find work. My inner monologue went something like: “If I don’t come home with 15 business cards and 4 new clients, this event is a failure. And I am a failure. And my business will implode and I will lose my house and my cats [I had cats at the time] will hate me.”

You can guess how well that went. I probably reeked of desperation, not unlike a woman seeking a rose on The Bachelor (but with fewer evening gowns). When I didn’t get 15 business cards, I immediately assumed everyone at the event hated me.

When we put high expectations on the outcome (I have to make 10 connections! I have to land 3 clients!), we create enormous pressure. Then we interpret even small missteps as catastrophes.

What to do instead:
Yes, clients matter. But networking is about relationships, not transactions. You're not speed dating for contracts. Most of us don’t meet people at an event and hire them for work immediately. It takes time. Your potential clients are no different.

Shift your goal from “land a client” to “have a few good conversations.” Focus on being curious, generous, and present. If someone needs your services later, they’ll remember you. They’ll also remember to pass your name along to others who might need you.

Mistake #3: I assumed everyone was judging me

Walking into that PR event felt like stepping into a spotlight. I was convinced everyone could see how awkward I felt (true story, this is a real phenomenon known as the spotlight effect, which is the tendency to overestimate how much others notice us and pay attention to what we do).

But here’s the truth: everyone’s worried about their own awkwardness.

They’re in their heads, stressing about their outfit, their business pitch, their worthiness. We’re all just humans walking around with hearts full of insecurities and pockets full of business cards to hand out.

I have no evidence my conversational partner actually meant that she noticed I was nervous and walked up to me. I also don’t know that she meant it insultingly. She was probably indicating that she looked for people who seemed as nervous as her and reached out to them so she didn’t feel alone.

But rather than asking more questions or taking the opportunity to relax a little, I chose that moment to confirm my worst beliefs about myself: I’m terrible at networking, everyone can tell, and they’re all judging me for it.

What to do instead:
Let yourself off the hook. Most people aren’t thinking about you at all. And the ones who are? Probably aren’t thinking anything unkind. They might even relate to you.

Whatever tiny “humiliation” you fear (or actually experience) will likely be forgotten by everyone else within a day. So be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to be nervous. You’re allowed to be new. You’re allowed to stumble over your words and have an awkward silence while you think of something to say.

Trust me, I’ve done my share of awkward things and my guess is most people involved have already forgotten about them. And if they haven’t? Well, I’m capable of laughing about them now. Because the truth is, if you can laugh those situations off, you’re less likely to feel shame or embarrassment. And if you’re not worried about shame or embarrassment, you’re more likely to enjoy yourself.

Mistake #4: I thought being “bad at networking” was just who I was

For a long time, I believed I just wasn’t cut out for networking. I assumed it was either something you were born with or… not. And since I had a few awkward experiences growing up (hello, high school dances and group projects), I figured I was doomed.

But here’s the thing: your ability to network isn’t fixed. It’s not hardwired into your DNA. Most of us who say we’re “bad at networking” are basing that belief on social situations that have nothing to do with running a business. They’re probably beliefs based on the popularity contest that was high school (or university). I know this because “networking” is the number one challenge people mention in my courses, yet as far as I can tell, many of them have never even been to a business networking event.

What to do instead:
Treat networking like a skill, not a personality trait. It’s just talking to other people, but with a purpose. And like any skill, you can get better with practice.

The best way to take the pressure off? Get curious about other people. Learn to ask great questions and actually listen to the answers, because a major mistake most people make at networking events is thinking about what they’re going to say next, rather than listening to the person they’re talking to. You’ll stand out just by listening.

Here are three of my favourite questions to get the conversation flowing (feel free to use them):

• What do you love about what you do?

• What brought you to this career?

• What’s your favourite thing about helping your clients (or customers, or audience)?

Be ready to answer those questions yourself, too—because they’ll probably be thrown back at you. And have a short, clear sentence that explains what you do and who you help. Something like:

“I write blog posts to help financial firms connect with their audience and grow their business.”

That’s it. That’s networking. No spotlight. No popularity contest. Just people talking to people.

What not to do:

Don’t let one awkward moment convince you you’re not cut out for this. And don’t use your past experiences—especially ones from totally unrelated situations—as evidence you’ll never be good at networking. Because the second you get into that negative headspace, you’re far more likely to have a rough time and give up altogether.

Don’t tell yourself being “bad at networking” is just who you are. That kind of thinking trains your brain to look for proof you’re right. The second you get it, you’ll take it as confirmation and walk away from something that’s learnable.

Don’t tell yourself you have to be the life of the party to have a good networking experience. People like someone who listens to them and asks thoughtful questions, and there’s nothing wrong with being that person.

Networking doesn’t have to be a high-stakes endeavour. It’s just a chance to connect with other humans. Take the pressure off. Focus less on you and more on them. Be curious. Have a few great conversations. At the very least, you’ll probably enjoy yourself a lot more.

For reflection

I hear a lot of people say they’re terrible at networking, but many of them haven’t had to network before, at least not in these same circumstances.

When you say you're “bad at networking,” where does that belief come from? Is it based on actual experience—or on moments from school dances, awkward parties, or events that had nothing to do with your current goals? What would shift if you saw networking not as a test of charisma, but as a skill you can practice, one conversation at a time?

Here’s to your success, awkward moments and all.

Heidi

Want help figuring out what to say when someone asks what you do?
Start with Words That Attract Clients—a guide to help you speak confidently about your work. Or if you want to talk it out and get personal feedback, book a Next-Step Session and let’s work through it together.