Introversion, social anxiety, and freelancing
Understanding how they affect you and your success
Hi Friend,
Raise your hand if any of the following applies to you:
You break out in a sweat at the thought of networking events.
There is nothing you’d rather do less than network.
The thought of networking is one of the things that’s held you back from freelancing (or any career you dreamed of).
You go back and forth between wanting to go to networking events to meet potential clients and wanting to hide under your covers until next year or maybe the year after.
To you, networking is standing awkwardly in a corner, holding a glass of wine (or water or tequila), avoiding eye contact with people, secretly hoping that someone will come over and talk to you but also praying they won’t because you’re pretty sure you’ll say something stupid and they’ll see how weird you are and then they’ll tell everyone else in the room and you’ll leave humiliated and no one will ever work with you again and you’ll be stuck under your covers hiding until next year. Also, small talk is stupid. No one cares that much about the weather.
Anything familiar in there? Or is it just me?
Networking events = visit to the dentist (not in a good way)
There used to be nothing that made me more anxious than networking events. Except maybe spiders. And heights. If I’m ever stuck in a networking event at the top of the CN Tower surrounded by spiders, I’m in a world of trouble.
I’d force myself to go and usually the best case scenario was that it wasn’t quite as awkward as I worried it would be, but I never came home thrilled that I had gone. It was like going to the dentist—the best case scenrio was that I didn’t accidentally drool on anyone.
Not. Fun.
Because I dreaded going to networking events and preferred staying home, for a long time I defined myself as introverted. I took tests and answered honestly and sure enough, the results always said introverted. Armed with that clearly highly scientific knowledge based on some random tests on a variety of dubious websites, I told myself I would never like networking because I’m an introvert. For years I told myself that.
But something in the label didn’t quite feel right. Because while I hated networking events, I loved being around other people. I enjoy hearing ideas and learning about other people. I genuinely feel good around others. If I’m home alone for longer than a night, I start frantically texting friends to make plans.
Some people say hell is other people. I say hell is a week of solitude. Not even a week. Two days of solitude and I’m praying my dog develops the ability to communicate with me.
One day, I went back to the tests and I reframed my answers.
The first time I took the tests, I had answered based on the worst case scenario. For example:
Q: Would you rather be at a party 10 people you know but aren’t close to or home alone reading a book?
Me: Well, I like reading and if I go to the party I know I’ll feel awkward and anxious and do something stupid that humiliates me like saying the wrong thing to the wrong person, so I don’t want that. Everyone will find someone more interesting to talk to and then I’m stuck alone in a corner next to some bland casserole and warm wine hoping someone comes over to say hi before I leave humiliated. It’s exhausting. I’d probably rather read the book because that party sounds genuinely terrible.
Because I framed the party in the worst way, of course I’d prefer reading the book. Who wouldn’t rather read a book than suffer a significant humiliation, even if it’s imaginary? (Clowns. Clowns might be okay with the humiliation. But they’re the only ones.)
The next time I did the tests, I reframed them by asking how I would answer the question if I knew there was no chance of embarrassment, judgement or anything else negative happening.
My answers changed—now I’d rather go to the party.
My personality results changed, too.
Now, instead of being highly introverted, I was slightly extroverted. It’s really slight, I think around 52% extroverted, but it’s there. And it’s changed how I view myself. Because after further exploration, I’ve realized that while I’m not all that introverted, I do experience social anxiety.
And that’s an important difference.
Understanding this difference has had a huge impact on how I view networking because now I can find and apply the right tools to help me. Because while introversion needs to be managed if you're going to freelance, it doesn't need to be "overcome." Social anxiety needs to be overcome.
The difference between introversion and social anxiety
Introversion is an inherent personality trait, and it’s an important one. Introverts aren’t necessarily anxious about social events (yes, you can be introverted and have social anxiety but, like wine and cheese, the two exist just fine without each other). They might avoid social interactions so they can manage their energy level but it’s not about a fear of how they’re being perceived. It’s because they genuinely want or need some down time.
People who experience social anxiety avoid interactions because they are worried about judgement from others, or having something awkward happen. We have persistent concerns about how we’re being perceived (and those concerns are never of the “I’m really worried everyone will love me and I’ll have too good a time” variety, but wouldn’t that be nice?).
We avoid situations even if it means missing out on opportunities because we’re constantly worried about looking foolish or making a bad impression. We might enjoy social events if we knew there was no chance of having something embarrassing happen, but all we can think about is the worst case scenario (accidentally drooling on someone or having to make small talk with a spider).
Managing social anxiety
Social anxiety can stop us from moving forward in our careers, especially as freelancers where our network is vital to success.
You can take steps to manage social anxiety by reminding yourself that:
Everyone has embarrassing moments.
Most people don't really remember the embarrassing things that happen to other people (we're all very focussed on ourselves).
The worst that can happen probably won't kill you or even harm your career.
Even if you do something embarrassing, you will be okay.
Lots of people feel nervous, anxious, or unsettled about networking events. It’s definitely not just you (even if they all seem entirely at ease working the room).
Then take steps to manage the anxiety:
Focus more on building connections with people than on trying to sell your services. The added layer of marketing yourself at networking events adds unnecessary stress. Just go to the events to meet people and learn more about them.
Practice asking questions and being fascinated by what other people do. The more you get other people talking, the more of a connection you can build and the less pressure there is on you to carry a conversation.
Get used to talking about yourself and what you do (practice with friends and colleagues) so you don't feel as tongue-tied when asked questions about your work.
Embrace the discomfort
You will be uncomfortable for a while, but that discomfort leads to growth if you can push yourself gently. Don't wait until you feel confident enough to network--that almost never happens on its own. Instead, embrace that you will feel uncomfortable but for the most part, so do most of the people out there networking.
Remember, confidence doesn't come from knowing everything will go perfectly. It comes from knowing that things might go wrong, but you will be okay.
These days, I go to networking events. They still aren’t my favourite activity but I’ve learned to relax and find the bright spots in them.
And avoid the spiders.
If you want more of my thoughts on networking, including one of my more embarrassing networking stories, read my post “Let’s change how we view networking.” There might be some good tips in there for you.
If you’re interested in taking a free personality test, 16Personalities has a decent one.
Here’s to your ongoing freelance success,
Heidi